#6...
Sana!! (Also very interesting and detailed comment.)
I really enjoyed all the comments to this post, and as a YA writer, I think it's a treasure trove of things to write about. :)
So I'm supposed to write a "Scaredy-Cat" post every Thursday. I missed last week due to the cold, and my 4 presentations. But I'm back. Today's fear:
GOING HOME
This probably sounds crazy, but I'm afraid of going home. There are lots of reasons, and I'd like to share them (brutally) honestly with you today.
BEING A MOTHER
All my Super-Mummy readers are probably puzzled by this. If I go home it means being a mother to my 7 year old son. It's weird to admit publicly that I'm scared of that, because Mummy's are supposed to be invincible creatures that will overturn 10-ten trucks to free their babies. That's not me.
Somehow, for the majority (if not all) of my son's life, my parents have been his main care-takers. For the first 3 years, I was in university. Then I was working 2 jobs and had no car- which involved a crap ton of ungodly hours, including getting home at 1 am two mornings a week. Then I moved to Japan. I considered bringing him, but from a practical standpoint, there are 2 things in the way. The fact that my house is sub-zero (celcius) for half the year. And the fact that he doesn't speak Japanese.
Additionally, I kind of don't feel very motherly. My nature is such that I'd rather do fun things than practical things. If money weren't an obstacle, we'd be gallivanting all over the world. It's probably not the best idea for a child to spend every year in a different country because his mother felt like. This sort of attitde extends in less disruptive ways to everything in my life. I don't feel very adult. I don't act very adult. I don't know what that will do to a child.
Finally (for this point at least), I struggle with being a single mother. For a million reasons, I believe in the institution of marriage. And from a practical standpoint - namely that I suck at being practical- and an emotional standpoint- I still feel guilty about a child out of wedlock- it's a hard thing for me to handle.
FAMILY
I've gotten very used to living on my own. I make my own hours. I leave crap where I feel like. I I've gotten used to my mother nagging me for an hour max and then hanging up the Skype and going to sleep.
All of that will change when I go home. Thanks to the way I live, I'm in no position to be on my own. Especially when you factor in not having (and not really wanting) a car, and single parenthood. And I really don't want to deal with the "joys" of living at home again.
NOT MEASURING UP
The unfortunate side effect of going to the top school on the island is that most of my friends have masters and PhDs, are doctors, lawyers, chartered accountants, and make a boatload of money. I, on the other hand, am a broke teacher (for now) with a BA. I love my friends, and I know they love me back, but sometimes, it hurts to think about who they are, and how far they've gotten in life.
Out here (or in any other corner) of the world, I don't have to think about it.
AWESOMESAUCE
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm amazing. (And modest.) I know lots of people think that me speaking 5 languages is cool. And wish they could have seen 6 continents as well. And that living in Japan is a dream lots of people will never acheive. And I know that even though I'm not very far along on my writing journey, I've published a few shorts and that's something.
But I'm not at all traditional. Being here allows for that. Being home doesn't really. It just reminds me how short I fall by tradtional standards...
Today's giveaway is the October Edition- a collection of YA novels released this month.
To win:
JUST COMMENT.
Rules:
Today's giveaway is open until 11.59 pm EST on Thursday.
Open internationally.
Followers only.
Don't forget, the only chance at tomorrow's crazy grab bag, is to send a list of 10 book for the 100 books every writer should read.
10 comments:
Let's try that again, shall we?
I know you love where you are, but I hope you find the strength to go home soon and see your son. You will both grow from the experience. Take heart in your accomplishments. Everyone envies someone...but we need to be proud of ourselves.
Claire--I applaud your willingness to be so honest, and I can't help but agree with Liza. I'm sure you'll work through the challenges of returning home, as difficult as they may be.
I faced a similar issue coming home from Iraq--wondering what it would all be like--but it's come along Ok, slowly but surely.
As rudimentary as it sounds, I say keep on keeping on and I think you'll find the right path. :D
I'm not officially entering the giveaway, I just had to say I love your honesty in this post. Gotta respect someone putting themselves out there like you've done. And yeah, family and home is, uh, tricky. Let's just say, it would be nice to have some running away money sometimes.
Wow. I love how honest you are and coming out with family issues. That's brave. But I do hope you get to be with your son :)
And what a supermegafoxyawesome giveaway, Claire! I'm looking forward to each of those books XD
speak_to_bidisha@yahoo.co.in
Wow, I love your honesty. Your son is lucky to have such a strong mom who is willing to be so honest about her feelings. I hope that you can see him soon.
Thanks for the giveaway!
brookea_2006 at yahoodotcom
It will be scary to have sudden responsibilities but just go and spend time with your son in the same fun-person-mode you usually are =) He'll like that, fun moms are cool.
Plus you are already awesome. Cheers.
Great post.
(not entering the contest).
Funny how sometimes it's being scared that pushes us towards things that make us look so strong. :) And in the end, that do make us stronger (hence no regrets). I've always claimed escape was an okay way to deal with your life and problems. Maybe because that's what I did for years. I kept moving to different places, and people were like, "Wow! You're so brave! You've lived in many countries, you speak different languages," but the truth behind it was my need to get away, my wish to leave behind what I wasn't willing to handle anymore.
Travel makes it all look glamorous somehow: quitting university, shitty jobs, unemployment, lack of friends... :P
First of all, thank you =D I am so happy I won!
Second - I can never believe that you are a mum! Wow. You're a cool mum. When you finally have it in you to go back to your son and be a proper mother, I bet you'll be great! And your son will love you no matter what. These are rare years of his life, don't miss out. =) All the best. <3
PS - not entering the giveaway.
Thanks for posting this. I appreciate (and admire) your honesty and courage. Wishing you all the best....
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