Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Child of Regret

I turn 30 on Tuesday (edit: Thursday- because I apparently can't count), and in my own honour, I'm exploring the many facets of me. Have fun! Also Happy Belated Birthday to Elana Johnson, who wrote my fave book of the year, POSSESSION, and who's just all-around awesome. And now you know why. (Cause December-borns ROCK!!!)

I don't do regret.

(Happy Birthday Taylor! December-borns ROCK!)

That sounds heartless, and probably confusing, given the title, but there's a reason. The concept is that if you live right in the first place, then you have no reason for regret. But that's more concept than reality. I live wrong pretty often. And I problem spend more time living in the middle of the road than on either side of the fence.

The other major reason I try hard not to do regret is because I'm manic-depressive. I can get into a depressive funk without any reason at all. And worrying about the past does not help matters.

But there is a lot that I regret if I stop to think about it for a minute. And I carry my regrets deep in my soul. I dropped Spanish in 2nd form. I was 13. And I regretted it at least once a week until I was 21 and decided to do a Spanish O'Level and take Spanish at university. I regretted dropping a subject for 8 years! I mean, it makes sense looking back - languages and cultures are my life now - but 8 years???

There are a lot of split second decisions that I carry with me as well. An unfortunate side effect of the manic half of being bipolar is poor decision-making. The frequency with which I do stupid stuff, you'd think I was getting paid for it. My poor decisions have led to my questionable sexual past, and to a few life-threatening situations.

I hate a lot of what I've done. I can't believe I've been that person. I can't believe that I sometimes still am. But I try not to hide from my past. Because I did those things and I take responsibility for what I've done. I hope that the things I've done, and the pain I've cause to my loved ones and myself will be worth something some day.

And I try not to push away what I've been through, because it's made me the person I am today. And most days, I think that's a good person. But if we're being honest - and we always are here on PoC- sometimes I live in the past. I carry most of the bad things with me. And I wish I didn't feel like I am just the sum of my mistakes. But sometimes I do.

I am a child of regret.


Lori M. Lee said...

Happy birthday! :D Hope you have a great one. (My husband's birthday is also today!)

Sophia Chang said...

Happy Birthday!

I used to try not to regret things, but I really needed this reminder lately!

(And when are you going to turn off word verification so I can comment more?)