For as long as I can remember, I've been on and off the beaten track. I've hardly ever done the things girls or Caribbean people or Black people were supposed to do. I've just done what I felt like right in that moment. Living life like that leads to all sorts of interesting things like training with the US Coast Guard, working with a passenger submarine, and teaching in Japan.
On Eagle, the USCGC tall ship
There is a downside to this sort of life. It's rather like chasing your tail. And even though that can be quite fun, you don't make a whole lot of progress running around in circles.
I spend a lot of time trying to "solve" this "problem". I do a lot of research into various personality theories to uncover what's "wrong". While I was in Australia, I came across Barbara Sher's book, "I could do anything if only I knew what it was". It sounded just perfect. I am well qualified. I have a Bachelor's degree in French and Spanish, certification in Event Planning, 2 years military experience, 5 years in Tourism, 3 years in teaching, and I speak 5 languages to varying degrees. I mean I really should be able to do anything. So why don't I?
In the book, Sher identifies several type of people, and then goes into what's holding them back. I am prety sure I fall under the scanner/diver category. Scanners and divers look the same to the naked eye. Scanning is skimming the surface. There are some people who like to know a little bit about everything as opposed to most people who prefer to know a lot about a few things. Those people are scanners.
A diver is just the opposite. They like to get as deep as possible into one thing. However, if for some reason, a diver can't dive, they scan. She gave three reasons for not diving. One stuck with me. A diver who never learned how to learn, will scan.
Never learned how to learn? Say what?
Not to toot my own horn, but I'm brilliant. I made it to the best high school on the island, got into the hardest school to get into in the US, got an honours degree from the university at home. I did all that and I only started studying in my second year of university. And I slept in EVERY single exam I ever did until my final year of university.
That might sound fantastic to you, BUT it means that if something looks like it might possibly require work, it goes out the window in a hurry. Why bother about hard work, when you get by just fine without it?
BECAUSE you only get by! You can't move forward or up. You just chase your tail forever.
But sometimes I wonder if I'm not a scanner instead...
I mean I don't really mind having bits and pieces in lots of areas. And I can't imagine ONLY doing one thing. FOREVER! You know how men freak out at the mention of forever? Well, I'm the female equivalent. Say forever, and I am out the door. I can't stay in a relationship, I can't stay in a country, I can't stay in a job, heck, in a working life of 12 years, I've been in 4 different fields! And I am only 28!
Relationshipwise: Guys start talking about forever and I find a way to sabotage. I dream of being married, but as soon as I am, my husband conveniently dies. If husbands are getting run over by trucks in my dreams, that's not a good sign.
Jobwise: I just stop working after a while and go into bare-mininum mode. Then a new pretty somethin catches my eye, and I'm off!
Locationwise: After being in a place for 2 years continuously, I start going stir crazy. I can fend it off by travelling, but short trips only work for so long.
The worst part: I have a son! I don't want ot drag him to the ends of the Earth every other year. But staying in one place is a fate worse than death.
I want to want it, but I don't. I want to want to be with a family forever, but I can't even imagine it. I want to want to live in one location, but I can't even pick a country. I want to have job stability, but I don't want to do the same thing every day.
SIGH!
I just tell myself God must have a purpose for me. And when I find that purpose, I'm going to nail it so hard, it's going to reverberate all around the world!
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